I remember seeing a mother and father arguing about who knows what.
And a little girl confused about what was happening, and not understanding because she’s so little.
I see broken glass all over the floors and two younger siblings crying from all the noise.
Just wanting to go back to sleep.
I see a look on his face like he is all done with this fight.
But instead, she keeps yelling like she is gonna win this fight.
She knows if he walks out that door, he will win, not her.
He stops all the bickering and comes to the little girl and kisses her head like it is all he has left.
The last I saw was him walking out that door.
All I could think was, “he’ll be back.”
But as hours went by, and he didn’t show.
I realized he’s gone, and no one won this fight.
It turns out the biggest loser of this fight was the little girl.
My first encounter with bullying started when I changed schools.
I had moved into a new state years before.
Then I went back and forth from home to home.
Since I was young and uneducated about bullying
I never considered I’d become a victim of it.
Bullied nearly all my life.
Never loved by anyone before.
Lived my life a lie.
Fake people everywhere.
Told myself it’ll get better.
But it never did.
I went through a life filled with sadness and lies.
Taught by the people who lied and hurt me.
The first time I ever was bullied
Kylie; “Hannah-listen, we do not want to see you. You sit with the losers at lunch, and we can not have that image.”
Kylie: “I do not even know your stupid friends! I don’t even have the same lunch period as you. I do not know what table you sit at. But I could isolate you from everyone you know, quicker than you know. Social standing is everything. And it’s all so fragile, so easy to start screwing with people’s lives. “
Micheal: “So beat it.”
You don’t even know me. Don’t try to pretend.
You see a girl with ripped clothes.
You see a girl with a dirty face.
You see a girl who can’t achieve things.
You see what you want to see.
But that’s just not me.
Never stood up for myself, and that made me a target.
But when I had them with me, I felt invincible.
We are stronger together than when we are apart.
A lesson I learned not that long ago.
We started to drift apart further than before.
Now I feel this aching feeling I never felt before.
I don’t know what to do.
I am breaking inside.
Someone help me.
One winter day, it was all going south.
I walked into school happy for once.
When two boys came up to me at recess.
One super tall, the other quite petit
Pushed me in the snow and told me I was a wh**e.
They walked away laughing.
It was freezing sitting in that snow.
I couldn’t get up.
I sat there and let my tears turn into ice.
I got up and started to walk when I realized I was all cut up.
Blood ran down my arms, and I started to get dizzy.
I went to the nurse and sat there all day.
Then the bell rang, and it was time to leave.
I guess they had got what they wanted.
I guess I’m back at the beginning.
Looking for a new start all over again.
Can’t find where I belong.
It plays over and over in my mind.
You’re a loser. You can never be like us.
Those words sink into my brain.
I want to cry.
Someone, please tell me it’ll be alright.
I hear their voices in my head.
I discern their faces everywhere.
I perceive the pain of their strike.
I taste the tears running down my face.
School was just one of the many places I was hurt.
But there was a Home where I first broke.
Where I was told, I could never make it.
Where I was told, I was good for nothing.
Where I sat and cried all night, wishing it was all over.
Where I finally gave up on myself and the world.
I knew from that moment on, I did not care about anything.
Especially about myself
I can not tell a lie and say it is not like that anymore.
I still sit up at night and cry.
I still wish I could forget about my past.
I still wish I was me again and not the girl everyone makes me out to be.
I still wish I was happy.
So let’s talk about the me that I see.
I see a girl who did not grow up great.
I see a girl who lied her way out of a lot.
I see a girl who was never loved.
But I also see a girl with a future.
I see a girl who wants more in life.
I see a girl who just wants to be happy.
I see a girl who can do a million great things.
This is the real me, and I know it is hard to believe.
Trust me, I did not believe it myself.
So many people told me I couldn’t do it.
I proved them wrong, and now I believe.
Now I’m here strong and bold.
I showed the world that I could take it on without fear.
I emailed all the people who ever hurt me.
Told them what they did to me and how it had affected my life even if it didn’t affect their own.
Even though I couldn’t stand up to them face to face.
I felt like I had a power I never had before.
They still didn’t understand what they did was wrong.
The loud sound the keys made while I was typing furiously.
While I was staring at the screen, feeling like I was straining my eyes.
But the most exhilarating feeling of all is when I finished,
I slumped back into my chair and let out a loud sigh.
Happy that I accomplished what I could never do before.
Now I’m proud of who I am as a woman.
Thanks to that one day, I’ve changed.
I don’t let anybody define who I am or who I wanna be.
I stick up for myself.
Even though I’m still scared to.
I learned that I’m stronger than I thought.
I don’t need anybody to stick up for me.
I’m my own person, and that’s all I need.
Now, this is me.